As I sit here tonight, surround by the smells of formula vomit on my shoulder, Vicks slathered hands, and the last poopy diaper changed, I wonder why on God's green Earth do any of us have children. They are disgusting. These baby poop and pukes are drooling, snotty nosed, booger eating little bundles of nasty. If you have older children, they are even worse because they can talk too. The whole 19 kids and counting....what the hell were they thinking? Didn't they realize what caused it by the third go 'round? I have two rough and tumble boys and most nights I have to reunite with my good old friend Jack Daniels. All joking aside, my hat's off to anyone who can handle a double digit number of kids. I don't know how you do it.
They fight, they scream, and they run through the house naked. Let me tell you, little boys are so proud of their downstairs business. Once they discover it, they want the whole world to know about the wonder in their underoos.
They think farts are funny (sometimes I do too). They love to show off what they did in the potty. My oldest is five and everytime he does number two, I have to see. "Moom-maaay! Come see how big I pooped!" Now, I might have a mountain of laundry to do or a tower of dishes to wash, but I have to stop everything and go look. Seriously, how do you congratulate someone on doing a bodily function?
When I am making dinner, it never fails, he picks that time to have me investigate his leavings. Then 20 minutes later he wants to know why dinner is not ready. Maybe it has something to do with the 4+ trips I have made to the bathroom. We all know what the first trip was for. Trip number 2, make him go back to wash his hands, trip 3 to make him stop playing in the water and 4 because he cannot hang the hand towel just right.
Of course, by trip 4 you are frustrated and not watching where you are walking. Somehow a miniature building block creeps into your path and you step on it. I believe the people at Lego are constantly laughing at my "ouch" dance across the living room.
Finally dinner is ready and it's time to say grace and eat. My 15 month old devours all dinner like it's the last meal he will ever consume. Oh my, the other child's reaction is the complete opposite. He acts as if I am trying to poison him on a nightly basis. If he couldn't get enough of it last week, don't make the mistake of thinking he will like it this week. I watched him go at chicken alfredo like a hungry buzzard and the next week act like it is inhumane punishment to have to eat it. Someone tell me what happened to his taste buds in that amount of time!?!?
And bedtime is the worst. It's like pulling teeth to get my oldest to change into his pajamas. "Mommy, I don't want those tonight!" He whines. "Okay, which jamas would you like?" I hear the Jeopardy theme song playing in my head as I wait. He looks through every piece of pajamas he has then decides to wear what I originally picked out. Really!! By now, I am almost to Mount Vesuvius level of frustration, but he doesn't stop. Here comes more whining, jumping on the bed, trying to run away and other antics. Now I am wishing he had a bed with straps from a mental ward. "I'll strap you to the bed, you little (place favorite explicit here)." runs through my head. Then by the grace of our loving God, he lays down for sleep.
While I am sitting on his bed (he needs someone in his room to fall asleep) and he is begining to fall asleep, I start to relax. The events of the day plays through my head. But on this reel to reel in my mind, I am not seeing everything I have just complained about. No, I see every kiss, every hug, every new discovery and every sideways tiny smile. I look at my beautiful children and realize how blessed I am to have them. These little sleeping angels are my world. There is no feeling in this universe like the one you get when they call you mommy for the first time. You know you would go to the ends of the earth for these amazing bundles of joy. And you know you will gladly do it all over again tomorrow.
Note: Please keep in mind that this is to be a humorous piece on parenting. Some things may have been exaggerated a little (or alot). Thanks for reading and God bless you all.
